Do you ever ask yourself, “How can I or why can’t I create long lasting and meaningful connections with others? Ever wonder if your partner is still the right fit? If you are feeling distanced or disconnected from some of the important people in your life, you are not alone.
During the COVID pandemic as we locked down and hid ourselves away, it became evident after a very short period that humans, by their very nature, must seek each other out and connect. We know this is true not only for our psychological survival but also to maintain the basic integrity of community. For many, the absence of human contact resulted in a multitude of mental health issues. Symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and obsessive compulsive disorders flourished in the shadows. Meaningful and deep relationships are important. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we need each other.
Think back for a moment, you may have experienced times where you have felt deeply connected to someone, a partner, parent or good friend, and instantly a calm sense of safety surfaces. Think again of times where you were the recipient of negative remarks and actions from a condescending teacher or boss, or entangled in a difficult relationship or marriage.The anxiety and shame you experienced is the residue of the threat and betrayal you endured.
Relationships are complex, they are not only created through the cognitive choices we make but are established physiologically within our nervous system. As Stephen Porges explains, the vagus nerve, beginning at the base of the brain stem and connecting through all the main organs, is constantly sending and picking up information. We experience a range of physical reactions such as nausea if we are anxious or chills when frightened, just to name a few. Feeling “butterflies” when nervous is a feeling as old as our primitive ancestors. This is our autonomic nervous system alerting us to danger in an attempt to keep us safe and alive.
When a threat in a relationship was present, did you cower, run,or counter-attack? The autonomic nervous system picks up that were betrayed or experiencing unpredictability and we begin to feel anxious, alone, and unsafe.
Remember those deeply connected relationships? These positive experiences are empowering, as we feel heard, seen and valued providing our autonomic nervous system with a sense of safety and comfort.
We are wired to connect.
Here’s how to strengthen the meaningful relationships in your life?
- Recognize who the important people are in your life. Which relationships do you feel valued, heard and seen? How can you increase your time and foster a deeper connection?
- Argue without attacking. When we attack, we activate our sympathetic nervous system and often become defensive and disconnected. Instead, listen to the other person. Validate how they feel. You don’t have to agree with their opinion but rather, acknowledging that they have been heard and seen.
- Repair the ruptures. Arguments are a normal expectation in relationships. What is most important is making sure a “repair” is made. Restoring connection after disconnection is a vital aspect of strengthing our relationships.
We are here to help you strategize, teach you tools and foster the connections that matter most. Visit www.thetherapyteam.ca for more information or to book a free consultation online with one of our team members.
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